Home is where the heart is?

This one is about the conundrum we “expatriates”, or those who moved away from our country of birth or roots and have spent years in different places, seem to have.  After going through discussions in our teens about friends, careers and marriage and then later about career, giving up/or not giving up a career, kids, schools, doctors, healthy food, recipes, our houses, parents’ health, exercise, kids’ activities and university admissions, now, at this (upper) middle age, the new topic is: Where do we  “Settle Down”?

I lived in one house for 25 years and in that same one city for 30 years of my life. And then I have never been back to that house or that city even to visit for more than 20 years now. It is also 22 years since I left India, my birth country. When there was a career, when there were kids around, any place became “home” quickly. After longish stints in two different countries, I have now been in the US for just over a year at an empty-nester stage and the question of where is home, keeps popping up.

So the various arguments are:

We must live close to our children: Otherwise you only see them once or twice a year and as we find it more difficult to travel, maybe only once a year.  That is true…but easier said than done for those of us who did not stay in countries where our children went on to do higher studies or countries where we don’t share a common residency. Also, I have heard form some others that even those who live here in the US for example, get to see their kids (who are in their 20s) only on fleeting visits. They don’t always get home-cooked food when they as parents visit the children because the younger generation may mostly eat take-out and parents sometimes have to stay in hotels if the offspring live in big cities in small apartments. In general, they prefer to host the children rather than travel!  And when parents do host them, many times they come home to catch up on sleep, with a longing for home cooked food and loads of laundry! They have their own lives and we are just spectators beyond a point, wherever we are.  All in all, I do not see us spending long periods of time staying with our children unless they need some help and we are in a position to be helpful at that time.

Medical care: When some of my peers’ parents have aged or fallen sick, it has become very hard in countries outside India to take care of them due to medical expenses. Also, if one of the spouses is incapacitated it has become very difficult for the other and home care or nursing as well as assisted-living homes can be very expensive.

Yes, India and probably some other countries have lower costs for medical care. I know of some couples who lived for over 30 years in the US who moved back to India in their 60s for this reason and who have managed to integrate in various largely NRI communities and are having a good time. Some with disability have good full-time helpers through agencies.

Avoiding loneliness: So this is where my “black book” (mentioned in "About the blogger") comes in! I am attaching a link to an article (Cacioppo’s research). This resonated with me. It talks about three dimensions of healthy relationships (intimate, collective and relational). To quote from the article:
“Intimate connectedness, which comes from having someone in your life you feel affirms who you are:
Relational connectedness, which comes from having face-to-face contacts that are mutually rewarding;
Collective connectedness, which comes from feeling that you’re part of a group or collective beyond individual existence”. 
From experience with my own elders I know that if one form of connectedness is missing, at least they tried to fill the space in with more of another. A friend’s mother pointed out that in India, there is more personal contact with all kinds of people on a regular basis. Not only neighbours, even the local grocer, “istri-wala” (ironing helper) or daily helper converse and allow for some social contact.

I also believe that “solitude” is different from “loneliness”. The former is a matter of choice and one can be happy in solitude with maybe a book or music or on a walk. Loneliness is different. It is when a human wants and needs company but that need is not met sufficiently. Each one’s need levels for both may be different.

Again, a lot of people have to evaluate who is left back at their country of birth to fulfil these relationships. Also, will friends continue to be in the same place in our adopted countries? Will retirement communities stave off loneliness? In the US, I hear a lot about avoiding the cold weather as well. Will warm weather help us fill gaps in leaving the people we know? Or will friends all move together?  Some of our friends’ parents and our parents’ friends are living in retirement communities in India quite happily. But they have sometimes moved with siblings, chosen communities which are very close to their own home lifestyle, and which provide the same outlets for interests and most important the same desired cuisine.

Food: No kidding, food becomes very important, as one grows old. I am now saying this after having lived with at least 6 elders in my life at various points and seen it up-front and close. A lot of other pleasures slowly become unattainable, with loss of mobility, hearing, etc. and so food becomes very important. That is why visiting kids where you have to buy groceries and cook for yourself is not a happy situation and nor is living in a retirement community with food that does not resonate with one’s palate.

The Inside and the Outside: For some folks, the traffic, politics, chaos and lack of infrastructure that prevails in India for example, is intolerable. They cannot think of dealing with it on a daily basis. Add to this the fact that global income is taxed when you get no value from the tax paid; it is really a sore point.  So the question is what is more important to each one? Given that one has a choice with respect to housing and living expenses even without a job, it is really about what makes it worthwhile to get up everyday with a spring in the step and a day to look forward to.

Career/occupation/passion/serious hobbies: I think that with life spans increasing we all need to see where we have the opportunity to continue to pursue something to keep us largely and happily engaged.  This in itself could compensate for many other lacunas. One of the NRIs who moved to India in his 60s has made a very fulfilling life for himself by providing math tuition to all the helpers’ kids in his condo. Now he has so many grateful helpers and students that he does not want to travel if it conflicts with their exam schedules! He also feels wanted and needed.

If left alone in this world? A friend was once debating which passport to give up because she had a choice to live in her country of marriage or original citizenship (neither was India). She told me that a wise elder asked her to close her eyes and think that if she were left alone in this world, where would she like to live? That helped her and I thought it was a great pointer.

So, all in all, I guess a place where we can be engaged, avoid loneliness, afford help and healthcare, see our children and eat good food should be where we “settle”.  If all this can happen in one country that is great but if not? Whew…

Where is my home going to be?