"Old" Friends

Am back after a long gap.. life changes, moves, disruption..this blog is a reminder to myself too, about what is important.

 “Old” Friends

We used to be a gang of five or seven (in varying times over 5 years) in our undergrad days and “our” favourite  album was the Best of Simon and Garfunkel (Air Supply's Lost in Love came a close second..) 

Over many nights of fun and heartbreak, shared secrets and shared confusion, shared craziness and mock fights, we would listen to these albums and moon and sigh and talk of everything under the sun including what we hoped would be our everlasting friendship.

One of our oft shared memories now is of a trip to Aurangabad to see the famous Ajanta and Ellora caves. We were 5 of us including an unsuspecting, trusting German “pen- friend” of one of the gang. She was meeting all of us for the first time in her life. The year was 1986 and the only assurance our parents needed at the time was that x or y was also going. They just put us on a bus at a terminus in Mumbai at night and we were to reach in the morning. No cell phones to hover over us, no way to know if we were okay but for one contact number of a YWCA dorm where we stayed for Rs. 5 per day including breakfast! And only one of the mothers even had this YWCA number.. A very different world then.

We were well-stocked for a good trip. Thanks to an older brother who also owned the S&G album, we had a bottle of wine and beedies to boot.

We spent the first day just seeing the city and then decided to have the wine in the evening…but alas, we had forgotten to carry any opener and the wine bottle just could not be opened. After many attempts indoors and outdoors including using rocks and stones, one of the gang came up with the bright idea to visit a distant aunt and cousin who had not even been informed that we were in the city carrying, ah so generously, the said bottle of wine.. Then, how could they not open it and offer some to us! The plan worked….only, after two days when the said “maushi” (aunt) took us shopping in Aurangabad city, she unfailingly pointed out every liquor shop to us!!

Well, we obviously loved the awe-inspiring Caves and three of us including the unwitting German friend set out to see them a second time on the last day on our own without taking a tour (to save money; .after all we only needed to see a few caves once again..). Evening fell all too soon and we decided to head back using the State Transport bus, as we had in the morning. But to our dismay, every bus was full and overfull and had people sitting even on the roof and would not stop. It was now 6 pm and we were worried about how to get back to the city. And mind you no one knows how to trace us.. In that moment we decided to hitch a ride. (I am very ashamed to say we used to hitch rides in Mumbai too, despite serious warnings from our parents who were told everything honestly). A truck kindly stopped and the three of us got in along with a driver and assistant in the front and we very happily set off. On a 2-3 hour journey. Only somewhere as we hit the highway, it struck the two of us desi girls that we were pretty much alone with these two men on long, lonely roads and it was dark and maybe, just maybe, this was not such a great idea after all. So we decided to salvage the situation with liberal “bhiayya” (brother) lingo and kept up a stream of very fraternal conversation. As we neared the city, we felt so happy that they seemed to be good people that my friend wanted to reward them. She knew a smattering of my mother tongue, so she goes in Kannada “Shar, avarig nav nam beedies kodanva” (Shall we give them our beedies?!) Obviously the word “beedies” was untranslated .and I had to loudly cover up with more “bhaiyya” conversation! But we were dropped back very safely right at our dorm.  What would our parents have gone through had they known what we had been up to?! Ignorance was indeed bliss.

We went on quite a few trips (but we were not as foolhardy in any other!), stayed at one anothers’ friends and families and generally had wonderful college days. The bonds and memories remain and stories have been repeated countless times to our long-suffering husbands and children.

As time went by and we moved countries and continents, new friends got added to the old. New memories were made and new stories are told about each of them (fodder for another post sometime!). Bahrain led to other new and enduring friendships and so did Singapore. Childhood friends from Bangalore and Mumbai are like family and yet, new friends were added in the US. I could reconnect with old grad friends and meet old work colleagues. Other road trips happened, new places were discovered with new friends and shared interests and we have more fun memories now.

 S&G and “Old Friends” will always have the same, special place in my heart. But let me stay open to new, mad adventures and new laughter so that at the core, the capacity to have fun never dies.  After all, as William Glasser the US psychiatrist says, we all have 5 needs ; Survival, Love and Belonging, Power/Identity, Freedom and Fun. (His books on Choice Theory, Reality Therapy..have more information on this).
 All friends need not be confidantes and soul-mates. One can have friends linked to activities too. Like a work friend, a music friend (hobby/shared passion friend), an exercise friend, shopping friend, outdoor adventure friend etc. Maybe one or more of these can become confidantes but it is not always necessary. If you look at my first post re: loneliness (from Cacioppo's research)
relational and collective connections also help apart from intimate ones.

I want to keep reminding myself to not lose the capacity to have “Fun”…which is closely tied to being with my loved and valued people and to treasure  and nurture the old but also be open to welcome the new with discernment.  

Luck?

I found this quote by the Roman philosopher Seneca “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity” while trawling through some book or website and it resonated with me. (. (Thanks my Black Book!) The articles in the link below are also interesting if you have the time to read them.

http://lifehacker.com/luck-is-what-happens-when-preparation-meets-opportunit-821189862

As a related idea, with some life experience now, I cannot help but marvel at the wisdom of the ancient sloka from the Bhagavad Geeta. It encapsulates the whole notion of focusing on the process rather than on the fruits of labour.

Bhagavad Gita Verse 47, Chapter 2

karmanyevaadhikaaraste maa phaleshu kadaachana |
maa karmaphalaheturbhoormaa te sangostvakarmani || 47 ||

You only have authority over action, not ever to the result. Don't be motivated by the result, and don't get attached to inaction.
 

Ref:  http://journeygita.blogspot.com/2011/11/bhagavad-gita-verse-47-chapter-2.html

There was a time when I would argue with my mother and tell her that it is not possible to keep doing something without expectations. What I now find in my slightly (heh heh) wise-r, old-er age after all these years is that the focus on process is all we have in our control. We do not have control on the outcome. So if we find a good process (which again requires some work and maybe teaching or advice) focus on the process and stick with it, maybe we will have the preparation to meet the opportunity or even to recognize it when it arises. I can now honestly say that whenever one had done the work or preparation well, one could spot the opportunity much better. And if one listens to the inner voice without quelling it, that voice usually comes from our store of experience and exposure, telling us what we call our “gut feel”. Also, I have found that an ability to recognize and admit an error and change for the next time, at all ages and times is an attitude that I would strive to foster.

Let us look at someone not getting a job despite applying repeatedly. The first question would be to say what is the process being followed to identify possibly suitable contacts and jobs? How is the CV designed? How is the LinkedIn profile designed, etc? Then it would be about the number of contacts/applications per day, and so on. A focus on this process if defined and undertaken well has a much better chance of meeting with the opportunity and as long as one focuses on the process and does it everyday, there is less time to ruminate on joblessness. This is indeed very hard but it is the only way to have a sense of purpose and even a feeling of accomplishment over what is really within one’s control rather than on the outcome, which is not.

Lastly, whenever I hear comments about someone being lucky I cannot help but feel that most lives also fit on a “Normal Curve” as in Math. Most people fall in the middle in terms of luck. Some may seem to have extremely good luck and some the opposite. Also this “luckiness” is usually determinable, if at all one wants to evaluate it, only at the end of a lifetime. I think that in this “In your face” era it is very hard to not look at others’ lives but I find it a waste of time even though envy is a very natural emotion. First of all no one really knows another’s life. Yes, when someone has wronged our loved ones, or us or even been corrupt or wicked it pinches to see that life is not being fair and that luck seems to favour an undeserving person. But again that is something I do not control. Spectating and evaluating others’ lives is destructive in my opinion. In any case, as I heard for the first time from the excellent old Reebok ad “Life is not a spectator sport” (quoted from the Hunchback of Notre Dame).

I want to instead strive to work on finding, focusing and sticking with my processes and my chances of increasing my “luck” factor! Good luck to me!

Home is where the heart is?

This one is about the conundrum we “expatriates”, or those who moved away from our country of birth or roots and have spent years in different places, seem to have.  After going through discussions in our teens about friends, careers and marriage and then later about career, giving up/or not giving up a career, kids, schools, doctors, healthy food, recipes, our houses, parents’ health, exercise, kids’ activities and university admissions, now, at this (upper) middle age, the new topic is: Where do we  “Settle Down”?

I lived in one house for 25 years and in that same one city for 30 years of my life. And then I have never been back to that house or that city even to visit for more than 20 years now. It is also 22 years since I left India, my birth country. When there was a career, when there were kids around, any place became “home” quickly. After longish stints in two different countries, I have now been in the US for just over a year at an empty-nester stage and the question of where is home, keeps popping up.

So the various arguments are:

We must live close to our children: Otherwise you only see them once or twice a year and as we find it more difficult to travel, maybe only once a year.  That is true…but easier said than done for those of us who did not stay in countries where our children went on to do higher studies or countries where we don’t share a common residency. Also, I have heard form some others that even those who live here in the US for example, get to see their kids (who are in their 20s) only on fleeting visits. They don’t always get home-cooked food when they as parents visit the children because the younger generation may mostly eat take-out and parents sometimes have to stay in hotels if the offspring live in big cities in small apartments. In general, they prefer to host the children rather than travel!  And when parents do host them, many times they come home to catch up on sleep, with a longing for home cooked food and loads of laundry! They have their own lives and we are just spectators beyond a point, wherever we are.  All in all, I do not see us spending long periods of time staying with our children unless they need some help and we are in a position to be helpful at that time.

Medical care: When some of my peers’ parents have aged or fallen sick, it has become very hard in countries outside India to take care of them due to medical expenses. Also, if one of the spouses is incapacitated it has become very difficult for the other and home care or nursing as well as assisted-living homes can be very expensive.

Yes, India and probably some other countries have lower costs for medical care. I know of some couples who lived for over 30 years in the US who moved back to India in their 60s for this reason and who have managed to integrate in various largely NRI communities and are having a good time. Some with disability have good full-time helpers through agencies.

Avoiding loneliness: So this is where my “black book” (mentioned in "About the blogger") comes in! I am attaching a link to an article (Cacioppo’s research). This resonated with me. It talks about three dimensions of healthy relationships (intimate, collective and relational). To quote from the article:
“Intimate connectedness, which comes from having someone in your life you feel affirms who you are:
Relational connectedness, which comes from having face-to-face contacts that are mutually rewarding;
Collective connectedness, which comes from feeling that you’re part of a group or collective beyond individual existence”. 
From experience with my own elders I know that if one form of connectedness is missing, at least they tried to fill the space in with more of another. A friend’s mother pointed out that in India, there is more personal contact with all kinds of people on a regular basis. Not only neighbours, even the local grocer, “istri-wala” (ironing helper) or daily helper converse and allow for some social contact.

I also believe that “solitude” is different from “loneliness”. The former is a matter of choice and one can be happy in solitude with maybe a book or music or on a walk. Loneliness is different. It is when a human wants and needs company but that need is not met sufficiently. Each one’s need levels for both may be different.

Again, a lot of people have to evaluate who is left back at their country of birth to fulfil these relationships. Also, will friends continue to be in the same place in our adopted countries? Will retirement communities stave off loneliness? In the US, I hear a lot about avoiding the cold weather as well. Will warm weather help us fill gaps in leaving the people we know? Or will friends all move together?  Some of our friends’ parents and our parents’ friends are living in retirement communities in India quite happily. But they have sometimes moved with siblings, chosen communities which are very close to their own home lifestyle, and which provide the same outlets for interests and most important the same desired cuisine.

Food: No kidding, food becomes very important, as one grows old. I am now saying this after having lived with at least 6 elders in my life at various points and seen it up-front and close. A lot of other pleasures slowly become unattainable, with loss of mobility, hearing, etc. and so food becomes very important. That is why visiting kids where you have to buy groceries and cook for yourself is not a happy situation and nor is living in a retirement community with food that does not resonate with one’s palate.

The Inside and the Outside: For some folks, the traffic, politics, chaos and lack of infrastructure that prevails in India for example, is intolerable. They cannot think of dealing with it on a daily basis. Add to this the fact that global income is taxed when you get no value from the tax paid; it is really a sore point.  So the question is what is more important to each one? Given that one has a choice with respect to housing and living expenses even without a job, it is really about what makes it worthwhile to get up everyday with a spring in the step and a day to look forward to.

Career/occupation/passion/serious hobbies: I think that with life spans increasing we all need to see where we have the opportunity to continue to pursue something to keep us largely and happily engaged.  This in itself could compensate for many other lacunas. One of the NRIs who moved to India in his 60s has made a very fulfilling life for himself by providing math tuition to all the helpers’ kids in his condo. Now he has so many grateful helpers and students that he does not want to travel if it conflicts with their exam schedules! He also feels wanted and needed.

If left alone in this world? A friend was once debating which passport to give up because she had a choice to live in her country of marriage or original citizenship (neither was India). She told me that a wise elder asked her to close her eyes and think that if she were left alone in this world, where would she like to live? That helped her and I thought it was a great pointer.

So, all in all, I guess a place where we can be engaged, avoid loneliness, afford help and healthcare, see our children and eat good food should be where we “settle”.  If all this can happen in one country that is great but if not? Whew…

Where is my home going to be?